Untitled Thoughts IV

Well, as always, life is an upward battle, with plenty of obstacles and distractions.

Sometimes I wonder if life is actually about happiness. Is it? All this hate and discontent. Violence and poverty. Greed and corruption. That's all most of us tend to see, it's everywhere. I (and you) may try to avoid it, but I cannot escape its grip. I try to smile as much as possible, laugh at peoples dumb jokes, give to the collection basket, give a couple of hours of community service, but what always tends to be more noticeable? Greed and corruption and hate and violence. It's sickening, and most of us are the problem, myself included!

That's why I always wonder if happiness is even the point of life. Are we actually supposed to be happy in life when all of these terrible things are pushing us down? It's hard to think about, personally.

In today's Catholic readings on USCCB.org, the Responsorial Psalm is "Lord, In your great love, answer me." I think about the topic of life's purpose a lot and when I finally write something about it, this is what Christ has to say! It's insane!

It's completely obvious what life's purpose is about. We all must find what we are here on this Earth to do. For me, I may not be happy all the time, but the investigation of unanswerable questions keeps me on my heels, makes me know that there is something greater than me, something that is giving me the opportunities that are given to me. Whether it be living at the Catholic Center, going to China, or trying to find a calling, the suspense of the unanswerable is what makes me happy. Eventually we'll all find what we're looking for, and until then, its probably best we all find the courage to keep looking for what will make us happy!

Untitled Thoughts III

Under the light of my desk lamp is where I find my comfort. My content, my ability to believe in myself to get my work done. The stresses of my other parts of my life are behind me, I focus on achieving satisfaction on a grade. Who cares that I have twelve hours to study for a test my professor didn't prepare us for. I believe in my ability to achieve, to change generations.

I am fortunate to have had my grandparents give me the necessary resources to go to school and not stress about loans. Some may say that "everything has been given to me." And while that may be partially true, there is a difference. I realize that it has been given to me through generosity and hope that I can work to the best of my ability to use these things wisely. I am grateful for the family that God has granted me. I may be confused and feel helpless right now, with the tiny stresses of the world get to me: relationship troubles, feeling friendless, wondering what the rest of my life will be like, what I will do for a living.

I am happy to use the things I have learned from my past experiences and the generation effects that have been pasted down for years. Tonight, I will take advantage of the opportunity in front of me, I will enjoy my music and try to understand the material that has presented itself to me.

Tonight, tonight, I am happy.

Untitled Thoughts II

Promises

There was a time in my life, in most peoples life, where they find peace in what they have. No matter what the situation they are in. Good, bad, happy, sad. You find this inner happiness, this bliss of being content. Right now, I can't find that. I haven't felt that since I left Ghana. It's sad, depressing and I want to find it again.

I have problems with a relationship that I am "in". I loved this girl at one time, she was everything to me. I made some decisions to go to China that she didn't like. I admit, I was selfish for not consulting with her more about it, and what transpired in early April has yet to end. I continually try to get her back, and continually fail. I try hard, but she is never satisfied. I am blamed for everything and feel dominated in conversations with her. She thinks she is better than me and never thinks she could ever be wrong. She has literally told me, "I think I am better than you." Why do I continue to put up with this? Why do I not just trust my gut and tell her that I will not subject myself to such treatment? Because I am scared. Scared of what life will be without her. I don't trust in myself that I can be someone who was the independent, happy person I once was.

I know I wasn't the best boyfriend ever, but I admitted it, I realized I wasn't and I am trying to better myself because of it. Why do I not just tell her, "I can't do it, I don't deserve to be treated like this and want to find someone who will accept a sincere apology and move on from it."

I believe that in anything, you need to learn from the past and look for the future. She only finds the flaws that I have yet to correct, not the ones I am working on.

Eventually I will find a girl who loves me. Loves me for what I can bring to her and can appreciate the flaws in me. I'll find the bliss of being content, eventually. For now, I'll just have to work hard to find it.

Untitled Thoughts I

I wake from my dream sitting in sweat,

Excitement is in vain,

I know she doesn't care,

The heart is in hurt and pain,

Because of all the mistakes that came,

If only a chance was to gain,

Happiness would be untamed...

I love California! My trip here has been nothing but what I wished it would be! 4-wheeling, camping, Giants game, enjoying family. It's a great feeling to have family that loves you. But family can't fill every void.

My thoughts for her haven't stopped. You'd think summer was a time to relax. Now I stress about her and my employment (which I don't have). It's life. I know if I can weather the storm, everything will be okay. I learned that in Ghana and I succeeded. But the pain and hurt of what happened, it doesn't go away no matter how hard I try.

I see her in my thoughts and my dreams. I wake up and my dream is gone, there is no reality in happiness during a dream. It's just little dreams and most of the time they're bad. My heart hurts. I was blamed for everything, and I took responsibility for my faults and mistakes and am in the process of fixing them. But that's not enough. I tell my self that if we're bound to be together, it'll happen, but if you did all you could to mend your relationship but you're not bound to be together then, well, you need to come to peace about it.

My life has always been good, even when it was bad. It's a state of mind. Whether I was in the middle of Africa sick with Malaria, clinically depressed or dealing with a death in the family, I always got through it. It sucked, yeah it definitely sucked, but it's time to stop twiddling thumbs and be confident that I CAN and WILL get through whatever is thrown at me. Nothing will stop me. Nothing.