Untitled Thoughts III

Under the light of my desk lamp is where I find my comfort. My content, my ability to believe in myself to get my work done. The stresses of my other parts of my life are behind me, I focus on achieving satisfaction on a grade. Who cares that I have twelve hours to study for a test my professor didn't prepare us for. I believe in my ability to achieve, to change generations.

I am fortunate to have had my grandparents give me the necessary resources to go to school and not stress about loans. Some may say that "everything has been given to me." And while that may be partially true, there is a difference. I realize that it has been given to me through generosity and hope that I can work to the best of my ability to use these things wisely. I am grateful for the family that God has granted me. I may be confused and feel helpless right now, with the tiny stresses of the world get to me: relationship troubles, feeling friendless, wondering what the rest of my life will be like, what I will do for a living.

I am happy to use the things I have learned from my past experiences and the generation effects that have been pasted down for years. Tonight, I will take advantage of the opportunity in front of me, I will enjoy my music and try to understand the material that has presented itself to me.

Tonight, tonight, I am happy.

Untitled Thoughts II

Promises

There was a time in my life, in most peoples life, where they find peace in what they have. No matter what the situation they are in. Good, bad, happy, sad. You find this inner happiness, this bliss of being content. Right now, I can't find that. I haven't felt that since I left Ghana. It's sad, depressing and I want to find it again.

I have problems with a relationship that I am "in". I loved this girl at one time, she was everything to me. I made some decisions to go to China that she didn't like. I admit, I was selfish for not consulting with her more about it, and what transpired in early April has yet to end. I continually try to get her back, and continually fail. I try hard, but she is never satisfied. I am blamed for everything and feel dominated in conversations with her. She thinks she is better than me and never thinks she could ever be wrong. She has literally told me, "I think I am better than you." Why do I continue to put up with this? Why do I not just trust my gut and tell her that I will not subject myself to such treatment? Because I am scared. Scared of what life will be without her. I don't trust in myself that I can be someone who was the independent, happy person I once was.

I know I wasn't the best boyfriend ever, but I admitted it, I realized I wasn't and I am trying to better myself because of it. Why do I not just tell her, "I can't do it, I don't deserve to be treated like this and want to find someone who will accept a sincere apology and move on from it."

I believe that in anything, you need to learn from the past and look for the future. She only finds the flaws that I have yet to correct, not the ones I am working on.

Eventually I will find a girl who loves me. Loves me for what I can bring to her and can appreciate the flaws in me. I'll find the bliss of being content, eventually. For now, I'll just have to work hard to find it.