Untitled Thoughts I

I wake from my dream sitting in sweat,

Excitement is in vain,

I know she doesn't care,

The heart is in hurt and pain,

Because of all the mistakes that came,

If only a chance was to gain,

Happiness would be untamed...

I love California! My trip here has been nothing but what I wished it would be! 4-wheeling, camping, Giants game, enjoying family. It's a great feeling to have family that loves you. But family can't fill every void.

My thoughts for her haven't stopped. You'd think summer was a time to relax. Now I stress about her and my employment (which I don't have). It's life. I know if I can weather the storm, everything will be okay. I learned that in Ghana and I succeeded. But the pain and hurt of what happened, it doesn't go away no matter how hard I try.

I see her in my thoughts and my dreams. I wake up and my dream is gone, there is no reality in happiness during a dream. It's just little dreams and most of the time they're bad. My heart hurts. I was blamed for everything, and I took responsibility for my faults and mistakes and am in the process of fixing them. But that's not enough. I tell my self that if we're bound to be together, it'll happen, but if you did all you could to mend your relationship but you're not bound to be together then, well, you need to come to peace about it.

My life has always been good, even when it was bad. It's a state of mind. Whether I was in the middle of Africa sick with Malaria, clinically depressed or dealing with a death in the family, I always got through it. It sucked, yeah it definitely sucked, but it's time to stop twiddling thumbs and be confident that I CAN and WILL get through whatever is thrown at me. Nothing will stop me. Nothing.